The End is the Beginning

I find this time of year rather irritating. Christmas is kind of over but thankfully not the holidays and there are still a few days before the new year. The TV is usually a bit poor: World's Strongest Man, trailers for The Voice, Big Brother etc. Seriously boring and predictable TV ads for: holidays; sales - clothes, kitchens, bedrooms, electrical; holidays; part works; and slimming.

In approx a day i.e. the day before New Years Eve there'll be the usual run of the mill end of year round up programmes. You know like a best of the years news quiz etc.

So in that vein (in spite of my general dislike of this sort of thing) I've attempted to put together a list (alphabetical if I can manage it) summarising my take on 2013 and looking ahead to my aspirations for 2014.
NB. This will therefore be a long post

A - Adventures - We had some fun adventures in 2013 incl our trips to London, Arran & Lindisfarne but I'm still yearning for even more exciting adventures in 2014. I still want to go travelling and see Italy, Israel and India. I'd also love to go and climb another mountain.

B - Babysitting - I have the best family and friends who support us with babysitting our 3 children. It's so reassuring to know that they love our kids and are not fazed by any additional needs.

C - Confidence - I've grown in this area during 2013 and I'm sure I'll keep on during 2014.

D - Down's Syndrome - I still hate it and refuse to accept that it means that my gorgeous girl will be less than other kids. I'd take it away from her in a heartbeat if I could. The last 6 months of 2013 was easier than the  previous year so 2014 will probably be easier still. It's just other peoples attitudes I dislike and have to deal with.

E - Easy - Not much in 2013 has been easy and I'm bracing myself for the challenges of 2014.

F - Focus - In 2013 I did a lot of allsorts of things but in 2014 as well as doing a lot I think I need to focus on some specific issues too.

G - God

H - Health and Happiness - I've been blessed to be both happy and healthy in 2013 but in 2014 I am looking forward to eating healthier and creating a generally healthier lifestyle. More fitness and sleep etc.

I - Interfaith - I so love that Bradford is leading the way in regard to interfaith cooperation. Ref the Bradford Reformed synagogue. I've learned so much during 2013 and hope that there'll be greater strength in this area in 2014.

J - Jesus

K - Koreen & Keith - Two of my dearest friends but I didn't get a chance to meet up with them during 2013 so will be making a concerted effort to meet up during 2014.

L - Love - oh wow so much I could say here. I am so blessed to be married to an amazing man who loves me and who I love. We've had a crazy, rollercoaster of a marriage so far and I love that we get to do life together. I'm so looking forward to a fabulous 2014.

M - Mothers - They really do deserve a category of their own. During 2013, I've been aware of friends and colleagues who've had to deal with their mothers ill health. It's made me even more thankful for my amazing Mamma who has beaten cancer twice and is still going strong. I've been more aware at Christmas of just how amazing mothers are at creating beautiful family Christmases. I love that my Mamma does a fabulous family Christmas lunch for the whole family on the Sunday before Christmas. Also my MIL who cooks to feed the masses and creates a Christmas present "pie" so everyone grabs a string and pulls and ends up with a gift.

N - No - saying No to average means I can say Yes to the best. I'm determined to live by this a bit more during 2014 especially when I regularly have 3 meetings at the same time and need to pick between them.

O - Opportunities - There are always far more opportunities available to us than we often realise. During 2014 I'm seeking to know more clearly which opportunities to grab and which to pass on.

P - Politics - I love it and hate it at the same time but throughout 2013 I've learned so so much but I'm aware that I have even more to do during 2014. I hate that politicians in Westminster make decisions to cut public services without any thought towards how people losing their jobs as a result will feed themselves. I love that all of us can get involved to try and make a difference.

Q - Quid Pro Quo - There's an exchange for everything in life. I hope to give others better than what they give me.

R - Rubbish - During the year of 2013, I got rid of so much stuff, junk and rubbish. I gave loads of stuff away to others and realised that once it's stopped being useful to me, it's then just rubbish, so give it to someone else that it's useful to. NB - this does NOT extend to my extensive book collection.

S - Smiling - I always smile no matter what. There's strength in seeing the positives in any situation and not allowing stuff to get you down.

T - Trust - hmmm It's too easy to Trust people and then get bitten so it's much better to be cautious about who and what to Trust.

U - Underneath - I've been more aware this year that there's more underneath a situation or circumstance than at first there appears to be so during 2014 I'm going to be looking at context.

V -  Validity - Some arguments are not valid or worth pursuing so during 2014 I'm determined to work hard only on the things that are valid and worthwhile.

W - Work - I always work hard and I'm grateful that I was given a strong work ethic by my parents and grandparents but this year I want to not just work hard but also work smarter.

X - I have now realised what a ridiculous idea doing this alphabetically was.

Y - Yes - I need to keep working on when to say Yes and when to say No. Saying Yes can be great but can also lead to all sorts of problems if I say Yes to the wrong things.

Z - Zeitgeist - I've only included this because I love this word.

The Perfect Gift

There is so much in the way of gift giving during this season and so many potential pitfalls. For instance, there are the standard gifts that you want to buy and a list is usually made to include ones partner, children, parents, brothers, sisters etc but then there are all the additional gifts that you could buy if you choose to or if it's the done thing to do.

In my working life I've been part of more Secret Santa gift giving circles than I care to mention. I've also received some amazing gifts from very highly paid superiors which has then resulted in that sense of being a little overwhelmed at their generosity but then also a bit worried about whether the very mediocre gift I've managed to give them then appears paltry in comparison.

For the record, I am a very bad shopper and gift giver. I always try so hard and have great ideas that I'll buy or have made, the most beautiful cards and gifts, so beautifully wrapped but then I always fall short of the hope that I had, to give the perfect gifts. 

I love to receive beautiful gifts and especially surprises. I hate knowing what someone is buying me and find it so odd that someone would even tell me and destroy the excitement of a beautiful surprise. 

My sisters (possibly the people who know me best but then that opens a whole can of worms) are amazing gift givers, they always manage to get the perfect gifts and they keep them as surprises until I have that special thrill of opening fantastic gifts that I get to treasure, knowing how well they know me. 

Having said that, I am relatively easy to buy for. I love lotions and potions, Coco Chanel Mademoiselle perfume, books and classic movies, silver jewellery and red, sparkly things. (Oh and I've recently discovered that my husband has been reading this blog so if he's reading this and he would like to buy me an extra gift - I'd love a new bag darling, big enough to put all my council papers and diaries and notepads and pens etc in - preferably red or black, but brown or cream is okay if it's nice x) 

My husband is great at giving gifts. One year, I said that I didn't need anything except Love so he went and bought a canvas and painted it with the word LOVE on it. It now hangs in our home above a montage of photographs of our family. I love the LOVE.

Anyway, back to the point, finding and giving the perfect gift can be hard work, and there's always a worry that someone may have been missed off the list. 

But this morning at church, I was reminded that there is so much about the Christmas season that is stressful (shopping etc) and that we hear the nativity story so often that we almost become too familiar with it. We make it all pretty and lovely and sanitise it whereas the reality was almost definitely far dirtier and grittier. One of my favourite films of recent years which I feel handles this fairly well is The Nativity Story. The actors at least appear middle eastern in appearance and the journey to Bethlehem is fraught with danger. One scene which I particularly love is where Mary feels her baby kick for the first time. I saw this film when I was pregnant with my first son and was amazed as I'd never really thought of that aspect of the miracle of Jesus birth.

Despite all the stress of the season and the familiarity of the story, the perfect gift of salvation through the birth of Jesus - Emmanuel, God with us, is something so simple and so profound that nothing will ever top it as far as I'm concerned. There is no judgement, no condemnation, no rules and regulations, only pure, unconditional love. I'm so grateful, and I hope that I will live my life as a thank you card for the best gift of all.

Heroes

For those of you who read my post on Gossip as a result of going to see Russell Brand - this is the next instalment in posts inspired by the evening with Russ.

The tour he is doing is called The Messiah Complex and in a nutshell, (although it's a bit hard to distil down the premise of his 2 hour show into a nutshell,) he's basically got heroes in his life and has identified that although some of his heroes are flawed we can still learn a lot from them and be inspired.

He talked about our human need to be inspired by heroes because if you don't have a hero then there are multi-national brands that are seeking to fill that vacuum. There's a whole background to this premise but suffice it to say, it totally makes sense to me.

Russell's heroes are Gandhi, Che Guevara (I love him too and loved my trip to Cuba), Malcolm X and Jesus (I love him as well).

I agree that we need to have heroes in our lives. Heroes that inspire us to greatness and lead us forward in life with a vision for a better future. This may sound airy fairy but I believe that having a hero to look towards is almost as important to the human spirit as is air, food and water to the physical being.

Just imagine a world without any heroes. Without anyone brave, strong, inspirational, flawed but courageous. 

The football clubs know how important heroes are and spend a fortune building their brands around this. You only need to look at how many shirts are sold with football star names on. (Now this is where I come unstuck because the only really famous footballers I know of are Pele, Beckham and Zidane).

Russell left the audience at the end with a question - who are your heroes?

It's a good question. I'd like to ask every school child in the district who their heroes are and see what kind of responses they give.

My most abiding hero is my Oma. 

She was born in 1915, in a place called Saskatchewan which is on the prairies in Canada. Her early life resembled something very much like The Little House on the Prairie series of books by Laura Ingalls Wilder (made into a tv show too).

As a young woman from the wide open spaces of Canada, never having seen the sea, she crossed the Atlantic to arrive in London in the 1930's and then went to live in India as a WEC missionary. I can't even begin to imagine the adventures that she must have had but I know from talking to her that she loved India and to this day I've never tasted cooking as good as hers. She made the most amazing dhal, parathas and pumpkin pie. Check that out for Indian and Canadian cooking, eh. She survived extreme hardship, earthquakes, hunger, and raised 10 amazing children. I loved her with a passion and when I'm feeling low I think about what she would do next. To be honest she'd stay up all night reading like I do too. She'd get up early and work hard and she would still be ready to go and help people and give them her own meal rather than eat herself. She was also a person of incredible faith even in the midst of hardship.

My political hero is Fred W Jowett. 

 

You can check out a little more about him on here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frederick_William_Jowett
He was a Bradford politician who started work in Bradford's mills age 8 and ended up being in the very first Labour Government as a Cabinet minister. 


Other heroes come and go for me. I guess it depends on the time, place and situation. I'm just trying to think of who my modern day living heroes are and to be honest I think it's a case of watch this space. 

Who are your heroes?

Merry Christmas - but will it really be a Merry Chrismas?

Well, yesterday morning was the annual Life Church Big Give where every child aged 0-11 who comes along gets a free (quality) gift. The excitment is almost tangible and there's such a buzz as children enter the building with their families and see all of the massive piles of presents heaped on the stage. The church is filled with Christmas trees and twinkly lights and practically every area of the campus is filled with decorations of some kind. This year the Youth & Community building was decorated to be like a Winter Wonderland in a Narnia style way. In previous years it was decked out like the Polar Express.

The church attracts families from far and wide. There are special shuttle buses picking up families from right across the Bradford District. The place is literally filled so that there are families sat upstairs in the balcony. For some unknown reason I am always late and our family was up on the balcony looking down at the rest of the church. This year was special because Lara, Sophie and Rebecca were able to share it with some of their aunts, uncles and cousins.

The morning started with some upbeat Christmas carols and then something we call a Christmas Kiss. Every year during the Sundays in December, the church does something beautiful to show some kindness to a particular person or family who may have been struggling a little. This Sunday the recipient was an incredibly amazing woman. She's a single mother of 2 young children, who had recently escaped a violent and abusive relationship to protect her children. Instead of being bitter and negative she gives her smiles and kindness to others. She went through the CAP Job Clubs programme and was successful in getting a job to provide for her small family. However, even with a job in these tough economic times she and her family don't have much left over to just have fun together. Having been through so much, the church arranged to put a massive big Christmas tree in her home with heaps of presents under the tree and some great fun activities lined up for them to do as a family during the Christmas holidays.

Then as soon as the person on the stage announces that it's time to give out the presents the place kind of erupts into relatively organised chaos. There are children who receive bicycles and are so excited that Santa brought them a bike they can't wait to have a ride on them. There are children who are not used to being given a lovely big present and then there are some that are just way too giddy at the excitement. The church is filled with young and old alike and everyone seems to be infected with excitement and joy.

In addition to this, throughout December, the church have been involved in helping out with the Allerton Kiz Klub Christmas party, preparing hampers and gifts to take into prisons and putting on a banquet for the homeless and vulnerable. Also on the Saturday, Life Church took a load of hampers to families across the Bradford District and topped up Gas and Electric Prepayment Meters to the value of £100.

I should be happy that I am a part of such an amazing church that does so much to help others, the lonely, vulnerable, hurting as well as the young, old, wealthy and basically anyone. But, I am not. I feel really grumpy and angry because we get so excited about Christmas in this world and build it up to be something fabulous and special but for so many it is not wonderful and special. I'm angry because in this 21st century developed country we still have people who are hungry or cold or just in need of company. For someone who is alone, the Christmas season must be the loneliest time of the year. Why do we get so wrapped up in ourselves and our first world problems and overlook the simple fact that there is a person living a stones throw away that we could help if we only opened our eyes and our hearts?

I saw a young family as I was leaving church and although their little girl seemed like she'd had a lovely time, the parents looked like the weight of the world was on their shoulders. I wanted to do something for them, to help shoulder their burden, whatever it was that was weighing them down but I didn't do anything. I just gave them a kind of friendly smile.

Before, I got married, I used to love helping out at the banquets for the homeless, poor and vulnerable. It was always good fun and there was some good banter.

I heard recently about someone I know who took a turkey down to a homeless shelter last Christmas. This has totally challenged me. I need to do more. There's another person I know who helps out with a group with learning disabilities and accompanies the group to a carol service.

This Sunday, the Cairns family will be having our family Christmas Dinner, then we'll be at a carol service no doubt. On Monday, I'll be at a works Christmas lunch and then at the Civic Carol Service at Bradford Cathedral celebrating Christmas. I'll end up eating far more food than I need to and no doubt there'll be some waste. I'll give and receive presents and I'll enjoy time with my family and especially my children over this season.

But, at the end of this season, how much will I have done to help others? Will the world be a better place for anyone? How can I possibly enjoy myself knowing that there are so many people for whom this will not be a Merry Christmas.

Gossip

I went to see Russell Brand at St Georges Hall, Bradford, on Sunday evening. It was my first night off doing something just for me, that I'd had in ages.

There was so much that he said which is food for thought but one thing he'd said while referring to the media and in particular the Daily Mail was, that when nuance is removed, a story is then paraded to be fact when in fact it's been taken out of context.

This made me think about Gossip, Rumour and Reputation.

Gossip and Rumour by their very nature don't need to be true in order to be devastating to a Reputation.

I hate gossip generally especially if it's based on Rumour rather than fact but there's so much gossip in and around our daily lives that it's hard not to get drawn into it.

If it's possible my response would be to check the source and if necessary go straight to the horses mouth to check the facts. Also, bear in mind that starting and spreading rumours can open up a whole legal can of worms. I wonder how many cases for slander (spoken word) and libel (written word) there are.

An excellent reputation is so hard to earn and yet can be so easily lost.

I'm sure my incredible evening with Russell will be referred to again in several more posts but that's it for now.

Criticism vs Encouragement

So, it's pretty obvious that when you get into politics there's going to be a lot of criticism and not a lot of encouragement.

But it really does make me wonder what is wrong with our world when we so easily leap to criticism before encouragement. We all do it but seriously what is that all about?

I am a naturally positive person and find it difficult to be around people who are negative, cynical and discouraging.

My attitude is generally that you get a better performance from most people if you show even a small level of encouragement. My children always respond better to encouragement and the people I work with respond better. A thank you and a smile never hurts and usually blesses others.

Over the last 6 months especially there have been people telling me how great they feel about Bradford and how good it makes them feel that Bradford is on the up. Many of these people have mentioned that they think it's because the District has a great Leader. This kind of positive encouragement is a pleasure to receive and pass on. 

But when people are critical I wonder what the point is in wasting energy being critical. How does that help or build up? If the energy put into the nasty, ranty type of criticism was channelled into being positive, I feel sure that the District would be doing so much better.

Just some of the amazing events which have taken place across the District, have demonstrated how people attending and participating in the events get such a great feeling and buzz which is worth far more than money. The sense of wellbeing and positivity can make such an incredible difference.

People can moan and whitter on about regeneration and all that jazz as much as they want but the spirit of a place and the sense of dynamism and passion to see improvement comes from the people.

So what can we all do to improve our brilliant District? We can start by being positive about it. Be realistic by all means but don't denigrate it just because you're having a rant. 

There was some great news today from the Ofsted annual report stating that the Districts primary schools have risen from 98th to 54th in the national rankings. This is brilliant news for the children and families of the District and is testament to the seriously hard work that has been put in by a wide range of people and bodies. It's firm evidence of the Districts leadership, commitment and investment in our Children. Let's keep talking up how great our young people are and lets keep encouraging those who work in public services such as education. To be honest there's not a lot of thanks in that profession either. Some thanks and encouragement helps us all to go the extra mile.

For me, although I do feel encouraged by every success I also feel motivated to do far more. I read these questions(below) today and felt a sense of deja vu. They sum up my attitude and I'll keep on revisiting them to keep me in check so that I stay focussed on what's truly important. 

There's still so much to do and we all have a part to play to make our District truly brilliant. Be encouraged. You are doing great!

- What is your biggest success in making Bradford better?
- What are you working on now to make Bradford better?
- What’s something you’re planning to do in the future to make Bradford better?

Power to the people

So, it was my birthday yesterday and I enjoyed my celebrations but at the end of the evening, I heard the news that Nelson Mandela had gone to be at peace.

Since then I have cast my mind back to when Mandela was released from prison, which seems like an age ago to me. He was released on a Sunday which I remember because I was living in London then and working in the Shaftesbury Theatre and Sundays were my days off. Watching the TV news, the sight of Mandela being freed was amazing, because for what had seemed like forever there was activity, campaigns, concerts, petitions, sanctions, boycotts, badges and posters of all sorts to fight for his release.

I had just turned 20 (I think) and my life has changed so much since then. Maybe the world has changed too. People just don't seem to get behind major campaigns like this in the same way and at the same level anymore.

I learned something incredibly important that day:
That if enough people get behind a cause, enough churches get people praying, enough people with influence in politics, in music, film, business etc., use their platform to speak out, then change will happen. He was incarcerated for 27 years but I really believe that it was this combination of factors that led to F W de Klerk ordering Mandela's release back in February 1990.

I wish more people could be fully aware of the power they have. There is so much that together we could all achieve because it is "by the strength of our common endeavour we achieve more than we achieve alone, so as to create for each of us the means to realise our true potential and for all of us a community in which power, wealth and opportunity are in the hands of the many, not the few, where the rights we enjoy reflect the duties we owe, and where we live together, freely, in a spirit of solidarity, tolerance and respect."

We could fight to have our NHS protected and restored, to ensure that everyone has access to primary healthcare free at the point of use and doesn't have to jump through hoops just to get an appointment with a GP or get to see an NHS dentist. (This is a sore point with me at the moment.)

We could even end poverty, hunger, racism, homophobia, all discrimination, human trafficking, inequalities, (insert your own passion in here, what would you like to change? what will be your lasting legacy?  .....................).

The following is a quote which is often attributed to Mandela but was written by Marianne Williamson.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 So come on, get involved, speak up, do something and do not accept that the status quo is the way it has to be.

Leadership

I'm feeling a bit ranty at the moment and could potentially have written this piece several times in my life but especially over the last few years.

I'm just getting really fed up with being let down by Leaders.

There are so many examples of people who have been in various positions of leadership in our world and in society that end up falling from grace (or into a need for grace) that it makes me wonder what the heck we can put our trust in any more.

There are parents/carers letting down and seriously failing their children – Baby Peter Connolly, Hamza Khan, the Philpott children and too many to mention, all failed by their parents. Is there anything worse than being neglected, abused and killed by your parents?

Then there’s the Church – riddled with accusations of  corruption and abuse.

Politicians – the expenses scandal etc

Business leaders who misuse their positions and those who avoid paying tax and commit fraud.

BUT

Having said all that, I still have hope. Hope, that there are those incredible wonderful people, who continually give of themselves to serve and help others without any thanks or gratitude.

There are incredible people who parent children with such deep love and compassion, giving them safe homes and strong supportive relationships. Both biological parents and non-biological (foster, adoptive) parents.

There are church leaders and members who will work until they drop to help others and make a difference in their communities, opening their homes and their lives. They give their money, their food and their time.

There are some amazing human beings that I have met who also happen to be politicians – they are criticised almost constantly, they work harder than they are ever given credit for, they almost never receive a word of thanks and yet they still carry on advocating on behalf of others, helping people and serving their communities.

There are incredible business leaders who focus on building a business to turn a profit but who do it with incredible integrity and who employ and mentor others and get involved in their local communities too.

I'm now feeling less ranty. Yes there are people who horrifically let us down but there’s got to be hope that the good will always overcome the bad.

Holiday & First Birthday

I think there's only one time in my life when I was more in need of a holiday, than this year and that was in 2006, after my baby son, Joshua died. Sadly, we didn't get a holiday that year and I hated the feeling of being stuck. But I flung myself onto God and although it was no picnic we made it through.

This year has been rather horrendous but for different reasons. It's left me feeling totally worn out.

Nearly a year ago I left work to go on a family holiday to London. We went to Chessington which was fun but tiring with a 4 and a 1 year old. We also went to the Tower of London to see the Crown jewels and to the Science Museum. I was also heavily pregnant and had to inject myself with insulin twice a day due to gestational diabetes. I was hot and tired and worried about the baby.

While we were away, my wonderful sister who had been looking after my cat had also done a deep clean of the house. It was such a tremendous blessing to have this kind of help especially in preparation for the baby.

Then on our return from London at my next Consultant appointment I was given a date to go into hospital to have the baby induced. They reckoned that the baby was measuring large about 8lbs or so at 37 weeks. I went into hospital on Friday 7th September but straight onto delivery ward in the new birthing suite. The induction process was started and James was with me for that whole day but then left on Friday evening as he went away to work in London early on the Saturday morning. That first night in hospital was horrible. A midwife who I had the experience of being 'looked after' when I was in having Lara 4 1/2 years before was supposed to be looking after me. I was in a cold draughty room and even though I'd asked for a pillow and a sheet or blanket, anything to keep me warm overnight, I was just left. The third time I asked, a different midwife came and brought me some bedding. It was past midnight.

I spent the Saturday completely alone. The boredom was only alleviated by the very occasional visit from a midwife, although for the most part  I think they had forgotten I was there. I just had to exist on the snack bars, fruit and bottled water that I'd brought with me.

On the Sunday my lovely mother came to visit me after church. I was so blessed. She stepped out for 5 minutes around 7pm ish and in that time my third gorgeous baby girl was born. Mum came back into the room and although she was gutted to have missed the birth she got to see the baby moments after and take pictures and do the phone calls.

When she left I was cleaned up and then had a chance to hold my baby. I tried to feed her but she was very floppy and sleepy and didn't latch on. The midwives said that they'd get a paediatrician to look at her. I thought that this was due to a blood sugar thing.

I was taken up to the post natal ward, put in a bay with 3 other women and babies and fell asleep. I was then woken up about one in the morning to be told by a doctor that there was something wrong with her.
The doctor said there was a possibility it might be Down Syndrome but she wasn't certain so she'd need to get someone else up to check.

Again I was left alone and although I prayed so hard, calling on God to please let that not be true, I sobbed my heart out. I hated that James wasn't with me. I'd felt so terribly alone during this whole pregnancy. Everything just came pouring out. All those appointments that I'd had to go to alone right from the very beginning.

You see I'd found out I was pregnant quite early on back in January but then after particularly heavy bleeding the doctor told me I'd had a miscarriage. I wept then too as this was my third miscarriage. The doctor made an appointment for me at the hospital to get a D & C to make sure everything was sorted with my insides. I asked James to come with me but he was busy and couldn't make it so I had to go alone.

I had to sit in the waiting room for what seemed an age but when I was finally called in to see the nurse she was surprised that I had no-one with me. She explained that she'd do a scan first to check out what was happening in my womb before they conducted the procedure. While I was laying on the bed with the cold ultrasound jelly all over my belly I was feeling kind of numb, convinced that the baby had miscarried.

The nurse had a look on her monitor then went to get the doctor. They both looked and nodded then told me that I had possibly had twins and although one had miscarried, the other one had survived. It was also possible that it was just a little blood sac. Knowing this possibility helped me not to grieve about it.

They showed me the monitor then so I could see the baby and there it was. A wee dot with a tiny rhythmic flicker of light which the doctor explained was the heartbeat. I started to weep with joy. I was so grateful to God for this tiny baby and hoped that it would turn out to be another boy. She gave me a tissue and then gave me some photographs but told me to put them away in my bag as generally they are rarely able to give women on this ward such good news.

I phoned my Mum then and knowing that she prays daily for all her grand babies and children felt reassured that all would be well.

During the rest of the pregnancy I had many appointments and spent a lot of time alone in waiting rooms. James did get to 1 appointment though.

While I was sobbing my heart out pleading with God for the doctor to be wrong and not let my perfect baby girl have DS all of the pent up emotion of having been alone throughout the last 9 months came flooding out. One of the midwives came in and took the baby away and had me moved into a private side room. I must have slept a little but I didn't feel like I had when at 5 or 6 am she came back in and asked if I wanted the baby back. They brought her back into the room in her see through plastic cot and I noticed that they'd taken her own clothes off and given her some hospital clothes and a little yellow beanie hat. Apparently she was struggling to maintain her body temperature. The midwives had been feeding her bottled formula milk.

The doctors then came in again and while they were very kind they said that although the blood tests they had taken would be the absolute confirmation of DS, I shouldn't get my hopes up as their clinical diagnosis was that she did have DS although they did have further tests to do including checking her heart.

I texted my Mum and she got to the hospital as quick as she could even though it was a Monday and she was due to work.

Then a brilliant midwife called Julie who I'd met back in 2006 when Joshua was born came in to see me too. She and Mum agreed that I should call James and tell him what the doctors were saying as soon as possible rather than wait until Thursday when he was due back.

The chaplain came then. He was a lovely fella and really helpful but I couldn't then (and still can't now) get my head around why God had failed to deliver on his part of creating a baby. All he had to do was form a perfect, gorgeous baby inside me and ensure she was born alive and healthy with the correct number of chromosomes.

The baby and I were then moved down to a different ward known as the Transitional Care Unit where we remained for the next fortnight.

This was really the start of a rather traumatic year of constant interference from a whole range of nannying fussbuckets aka medical staff.

Even though we were just away on holiday I felt as if they were hounding us with numerous phone calls. I refused to answer them and sent them all to voicemail. I needed to be on holiday away from them.

The sheer volume of appointments and hospital stays has been overwhelming.

Rebecca (as she was eventually named by her father) is a joy and a blessing just like any other child is to their parents. I'm so glad we've managed to survive this first year but I don't know what the future holds. I'd rather not know to be honest and just go with life's flow.

Hopefully we will eventually get our holiday in the sun. Disneyland Florida would be nice or a visit to Italy to enjoy some sun and culture.

Maybe the medical staff might just not interfere and allow us to live in peace.

Just An Ordinary Bradford Lass

So it is with great excitement and more than a little trepidation that I am on my way to London to attend Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth's Garden Party at Buckingham Palace.

Bearing in mind that my first home was at 16 Powell Avenue on Bradford's Canterbury Estate, I've got to admit that I do feel quite humbled and amazed to have this opportunity.

I'm actually quite relaxed now but a few hours ago while I was madly trying to ensure that I'd packed everything we needed for the trip, I was rather stressed.

I just hope that I do myself and Bradford proud. I wanted to look my best and I hope that I do, even though I'm a girl on a budget. I chose a dress made from a Vogue Vintage pattern which I thought would be flattering and is also a nod to the 1950's in honour of the 60 years since Her Majesty's coronation.

It's certainly going to be an experience and I'm glad that I have been given this opportunity.

I may do a post after the event to try and describe it.

Thoughts From A Rainy Day

On Wednesday I attended the Born in Bradford annual Teddy Bears picnic in Lister Park.
It's an event I always try to get to where possible and as Play Champion and a mother of three small children I was determined to be there.
However, the grey skies turned into a downpour and the picnic was rained off half way through. I don't think the children present really minded the rain so much but the exhibits and stalls were getting soaked and even a hardened British mother wouldn't eat a picnic in the rain.

As we were stood getting soaked, watching the drama (there was a giant bear and a magician) which the children were loving, it occurred to me that there is absolutely nowhere in Bradford that offers a large capacity covered event space for a variety of styles of events. Sadly, in Bradford we're at the mercy of the weather and small venues.

We're attracting large events and therefore we need to think larger.

For several years running great events held outdoors have been either cancelled due to adverse weather, stopped early or not had the numbers of visitors which the events deserve. Events such as Curry Week, Bradford Festival and Positive Bradford to name a few.

Also if anyone wanted to put on an annual conference which every year gets bigger and bigger and is already running at full capacity there is nowhere in central Bradford to go.

I've come to the conclusion that our local economy needs a very large covered event space in as central a location as possible.

Perhaps the former Odeon cinema building should be redeveloped with such needs in mind. I envision a seated space around a central arena (which could be filled with temporary seats as and when needed to increase capacity) under a sunroof style dome. This could be blacked out with blinds if necessary or let light in to give outdoor natural light, where temporary stalls could be set up for events like Positive Bradford or a Born in Bradford picnic etc. There could also be a large foyer space with permanent shops/stalls similar to the MEN Arena (in Manchester) for food outlets and other shopping / merchandise appropriate for the events.

I really hope that someone or a group with the necessary financial backing will have the vision necessary to do this for the sake of our regular large scale conferences and events. I'd do it if I had the money. We need Bradford to think bigger.

In the meantime however, the cancelled picnic gave me the opportunity to rediscover the delights of the art gallery in Cartwright Hall. There were loads of things on for the children too. They got to make peg dolls and do some drawings. I also got to show my daughter my favourite painting - The Egyptian Feast, and she was suitably impressed.

We ended up having to eat our picnic in the car though!

Seven Years On

I don't want to offend anyone but I always find it slightly odd when the family of a person who's died regularly make special trips to the grave on the deceased persons birthday, at Christmases and so on.  I don't mean the ones immediately after but the ones several years on.  It's almost as if they're still struggling with the reality that the deceased has gone.  A person who's died is no longer part of this world.  It's the memories of that person which we carry with us.  I would suggest that without exception each one of those people who've died would want their family members to honour their memory by living well.

When we live well, achieving great things where possible, marrying, having great relationships, having children and raising them well, and taking forward what we've learned from our deceased family member, we do more to honour their memory.

Having said all of the above, today, I've awoken thinking about my little son Joshua who was born 7 years ago.

I've been so amazed at how my life has changed over this last 7 years. I've tried to focus on having a great marriage, positioning myself to focus on life not death ( I moved from being a probate solicitor to working for a charity), having subsequent children, each one of whom is an incredible gift from God and I've tried to focus on trying to serve my community to make the world a better place for all of us.

My thoughts today are not sadness at his death but gratitude that in and through his death I've had the opportunity to experience the amazing sweetness of the Grace of God in my life and have a zest for life that honours his existence.

However today you won't find me doing anything special specifically for him. I'm not camped up on the metaphorical graveside of a little boy who's died. I'm busy focussing on the life of those around me who are still living. Today is his Grandfathers birthday so we'll celebrate that. Tomorrow is my nieces 1st birthday so we'll celebrate that.

I'm also going to be out doing some Labour party campaigning listening to the needs, hopes and dreams of the people on the doorstep.

I will give a thought to my beautiful Oma whose birthday is also today. She would have been 98. And a thought to Joshua.

Those thoughts are more about carrying something of what I've learned through their existence in my life and celebrating that my life has changed and moved forward than any sadness or loss.

I'm blessed to be alive and the sun is shining.

Trust

I've been thinking a lot lately about trust in a variety of forms.

Trust is all over our lives - we trust that when we go to bed at night we'll wake up in the morning. We trust our alarm clocks to do this.

We trust that our mode of transport whichever it may be, will get us to where we're going.

We may trust other people - our spouses/partners, our children, our parents, our doctors and for some of us our Leaders.

We all have leaders of one kind or another - whether it's a teacher, Head teacher, boss, manager,  supervisor or political leader.

This week some people in our nation mourned the former leader of a political party and former leader of the UK. No matter what your thoughts on her, it's clear that some people trusted her and some didn't.

Just lately I've been staggered by the huge number of people and organisations that people have trusted where that trust has been horribly betrayed.

I'm thinking of the following for starters:
Banks;
The meat industry;
Some religious figures e.g. Catholic priests involved in child abuse;
Jimmy Savile and sadly a whole host of other celebrities;
Politicians;
Unfaithful spouses and the list goes on.

What's going on? Why are people and organisations which we formerly trusted no longer to be trusted?

Maybe trust is something we need to be more careful with.

Tempus Fugit

Do Not Squander Time 

That is The Stuff Life is Made Of 

is on the sign outside Twelve Oaks, the Wilkes plantation in the film Gone With The Wind.

Time really does fly and it never ceases to amaze me how precious some moments in our lives are and yet we so often find ourselves dashing around and not making the most of the time we have available.

We've just watched the latest episode of Dr Who which is of course about a Time Lord. He has the opportunity to visit and re-visit particular times and the people within those times.

It's also Easter Sunday and my eldest daughter is 5 in less than one month and my youngest has just had her first Easter while the middle one Sophie is 2 and is referring to Easter Babbits and is hugging the box the egg is in with no effort yet at getting into the egg.

Every Sunday I have a few precious moments alone, just thinking and spending time in prayer and considering what the day holds, before I have to get up and get ready and get each one of my 3 children ready. It's no mean feat getting 3 children under the age of 5 ready for church as many parents will be able to confirm and invariably we tend to run out of time. I could lose my rag and get stressed out about the fact that we are always running late and it really does wind me up. No amount of preparation appears to help either, which is most frustrating but I would rather have great and precious memories of fun with my children that we share together, rather than stressing about being late.

Lara and I sing and dance and laugh and Sophie is now at the age where she wants to join in and she does a kind of funny little wiggle.

The time that we are in now is so precious and fun memories can be made in this time here and now.

I think it's good to slow down and enjoy the moment before it rushes past.

There's a great Star Trek - Next Generation movie called Insurrection in which there is a world where it's possible to freeze a moment in time or slow it down so much that it gives you the opportunity to really enjoy and treasure the moment.

Which moments would you freeze or slow down to treasure?

It really is amazing to me how fast the time in my life has flown. Just as an example, here are 6 photographs each taken over the last 5 years as an example of how quick things and people change:

Lara - age 1

Lara - age 2

Lara - age 3 with Sophie - age approx 4 months

Lara - age 4 and Sophie - age 1 1/2

Me with Lara - age 4, Sophie - age 1 (nearly 2), Rebecca - age 3 months

Sophie - age 2

Thinking about the future

So I'm 16 and a bit weeks into another pregnancy. This makes it my 5th pregnancy in 5 years of marriage. It is kind of nerve wracking as I'm very aware of the possibilities of something going wrong but I do feel a sense of confidence and trust that this child will be born and will be healthy. So many people keep asking me if I'm going to find out what I am having and I say "No". The reactions I get to that are quite mixed. Some of the older women think that it's lovely that I am waiting until the bay is born to find out the sex and some of the younger women find me odd. To be honest though I've never found out the sex of the baby with any of my pregnancies and didn't feel short changed at all. I love surprises too much.

With our first, (Joshua James) I had a dream that I as going to have a little boy and when he was born it was special to see that he was indeed a little boy even though we never got to see him draw his first breath or get the privilege of being parents to him.

We never knew what our second and third children were as I had early miscarriages but we nicknamed them Randolph and Cuthbert respectively and occasionally joke that one day when we get to heaven we may meet two little boys who greet us saying "Why did you give us such silly names?" or maybe they will already know that they have crazy parents who deal with stuff by making light of it as a coping mechanism.

With our fourth (Lara Anjali) again I had a dream coupled with a very strong feeling that she was going to be a girl. We named her after our church worship pastor and had kind of expected her to be a girl but there still was something intensely special and beautiful about seeing her for the first time and finding out that she was a girl.

So, now for this baby. I already know that if she is a girl I may call her Kathleen India Serena although I'm not 100% certain of that yet but I'm struggling to find a boys name that I really really like. But, I do feel as if I may be having a little boy.

Everything Changes

It's literally been years since I last wrote on this blog. So much has changed, some of which I've wholeheartedly embraced, adapted to, or managed to cope with. Some of the change though has really shaken my world and it would be safe to say that I haven't always been entirely comfortable with some of the changes.

A quick run down of the changes since I last wrote are as follows:

Jan 2011 - I gave birth to my second daughter - Sophie.
Sep 2011 - I started working for an organisation (Christians Against Poverty) that I had wanted to work for and had supported financially for 10 years.
May 2012 - I won an election and now represent the ward of Clayton & Fairweather Green as a Councillor.
Sep 2012 - I gave birth to my third daughter - Rebecca.
Sep 2012 - My eldest daughter - Lara, started full time school.

Church - also during this period my church has undergone some changes with different worship leaders and Lead Pastors.

Change itself doesn't really bother me and for the most part I accept and welcome change especially as I often get itchy feet and hate routine. I think it's important to be prepared to change in order to be able to move quickly to adapt to better and more efficient ways of doing things.

I don't mind saying that I've done well to adapt to and deal well with all the changes above, all except the changes in my local church.

The changes in church made me realise that I had liked to be comfortable at church with a certain way of doing things and that despite saying I hate routine, the routine in church was something I loved and felt happy with.

It all seemed to happen while I wasn't looking so to speak. I was busy campaigning for election so not really getting to church as often except on Sunday evenings and before I knew it, the Senior Pastor was stepping to one side to focus on other things and allowing for other younger leaders to step up to the challenge of senior Church Leadership. The worship leader who I also loved was stepping down to pursue more solo work.

All of a sudden I felt my world getting shaken. Maybe I'd put too much faith in the church and the comfort of the way things had always been - that status quo. Now that changes had occurred I was feeling challenged, uncomfortable and unsure.

It wasn't until my daughter Rebecca was born and I had to face a new challenge, (that of having a child with Down Syndrome), when I realised the changes at church were a good thing. It's good to shake things up a little and reach further and deeper. It's good to pass leadership and responsibility on to others and it's good to have a new sense of dynamism and vision when changes happen. I have always loved and respected the leadership team at my church and when I was faced with Now What? types of challenge over the years I'd always felt that I had someone to turn to. But the way in which I felt so loved and supported when Rebecca was born went so much further. It taught me that God is so for me no matter what is coming up in my life to deal with and that he will always make sure the right people are in the right places doing the right things.

Everything changes except God!