I think there's only one time in my life when I was more in need of a holiday, than this year and that was in 2006, after my baby son, Joshua died. Sadly, we didn't get a holiday that year and I hated the feeling of being stuck. But I flung myself onto God and although it was no picnic we made it through.
This year has been rather horrendous but for different reasons. It's left me feeling totally worn out.
Nearly a year ago I left work to go on a family holiday to London. We went to Chessington which was fun but tiring with a 4 and a 1 year old. We also went to the Tower of London to see the Crown jewels and to the Science Museum. I was also heavily pregnant and had to inject myself with insulin twice a day due to gestational diabetes. I was hot and tired and worried about the baby.
While we were away, my wonderful sister who had been looking after my cat had also done a deep clean of the house. It was such a tremendous blessing to have this kind of help especially in preparation for the baby.
Then on our return from London at my next Consultant appointment I was given a date to go into hospital to have the baby induced. They reckoned that the baby was measuring large about 8lbs or so at 37 weeks. I went into hospital on Friday 7th September but straight onto delivery ward in the new birthing suite. The induction process was started and James was with me for that whole day but then left on Friday evening as he went away to work in London early on the Saturday morning. That first night in hospital was horrible. A midwife who I had the experience of being 'looked after' when I was in having Lara 4 1/2 years before was supposed to be looking after me. I was in a cold draughty room and even though I'd asked for a pillow and a sheet or blanket, anything to keep me warm overnight, I was just left. The third time I asked, a different midwife came and brought me some bedding. It was past midnight.
I spent the Saturday completely alone. The boredom was only alleviated by the very occasional visit from a midwife, although for the most part I think they had forgotten I was there. I just had to exist on the snack bars, fruit and bottled water that I'd brought with me.
On the Sunday my lovely mother came to visit me after church. I was so blessed. She stepped out for 5 minutes around 7pm ish and in that time my third gorgeous baby girl was born. Mum came back into the room and although she was gutted to have missed the birth she got to see the baby moments after and take pictures and do the phone calls.
When she left I was cleaned up and then had a chance to hold my baby. I tried to feed her but she was very floppy and sleepy and didn't latch on. The midwives said that they'd get a paediatrician to look at her. I thought that this was due to a blood sugar thing.
I was taken up to the post natal ward, put in a bay with 3 other women and babies and fell asleep. I was then woken up about one in the morning to be told by a doctor that there was something wrong with her.
The doctor said there was a possibility it might be Down Syndrome but she wasn't certain so she'd need to get someone else up to check.
Again I was left alone and although I prayed so hard, calling on God to please let that not be true, I sobbed my heart out. I hated that James wasn't with me. I'd felt so terribly alone during this whole pregnancy. Everything just came pouring out. All those appointments that I'd had to go to alone right from the very beginning.
You see I'd found out I was pregnant quite early on back in January but then after particularly heavy bleeding the doctor told me I'd had a miscarriage. I wept then too as this was my third miscarriage. The doctor made an appointment for me at the hospital to get a D & C to make sure everything was sorted with my insides. I asked James to come with me but he was busy and couldn't make it so I had to go alone.
I had to sit in the waiting room for what seemed an age but when I was finally called in to see the nurse she was surprised that I had no-one with me. She explained that she'd do a scan first to check out what was happening in my womb before they conducted the procedure. While I was laying on the bed with the cold ultrasound jelly all over my belly I was feeling kind of numb, convinced that the baby had miscarried.
The nurse had a look on her monitor then went to get the doctor. They both looked and nodded then told me that I had possibly had twins and although one had miscarried, the other one had survived. It was also possible that it was just a little blood sac. Knowing this possibility helped me not to grieve about it.
They showed me the monitor then so I could see the baby and there it was. A wee dot with a tiny rhythmic flicker of light which the doctor explained was the heartbeat. I started to weep with joy. I was so grateful to God for this tiny baby and hoped that it would turn out to be another boy. She gave me a tissue and then gave me some photographs but told me to put them away in my bag as generally they are rarely able to give women on this ward such good news.
I phoned my Mum then and knowing that she prays daily for all her grand babies and children felt reassured that all would be well.
During the rest of the pregnancy I had many appointments and spent a lot of time alone in waiting rooms. James did get to 1 appointment though.
While I was sobbing my heart out pleading with God for the doctor to be wrong and not let my perfect baby girl have DS all of the pent up emotion of having been alone throughout the last 9 months came flooding out. One of the midwives came in and took the baby away and had me moved into a private side room. I must have slept a little but I didn't feel like I had when at 5 or 6 am she came back in and asked if I wanted the baby back. They brought her back into the room in her see through plastic cot and I noticed that they'd taken her own clothes off and given her some hospital clothes and a little yellow beanie hat. Apparently she was struggling to maintain her body temperature. The midwives had been feeding her bottled formula milk.
The doctors then came in again and while they were very kind they said that although the blood tests they had taken would be the absolute confirmation of DS, I shouldn't get my hopes up as their clinical diagnosis was that she did have DS although they did have further tests to do including checking her heart.
I texted my Mum and she got to the hospital as quick as she could even though it was a Monday and she was due to work.
Then a brilliant midwife called Julie who I'd met back in 2006 when Joshua was born came in to see me too. She and Mum agreed that I should call James and tell him what the doctors were saying as soon as possible rather than wait until Thursday when he was due back.
The chaplain came then. He was a lovely fella and really helpful but I couldn't then (and still can't now) get my head around why God had failed to deliver on his part of creating a baby. All he had to do was form a perfect, gorgeous baby inside me and ensure she was born alive and healthy with the correct number of chromosomes.
The baby and I were then moved down to a different ward known as the Transitional Care Unit where we remained for the next fortnight.
This was really the start of a rather traumatic year of constant interference from a whole range of nannying fussbuckets aka medical staff.
Even though we were just away on holiday I felt as if they were hounding us with numerous phone calls. I refused to answer them and sent them all to voicemail. I needed to be on holiday away from them.
The sheer volume of appointments and hospital stays has been overwhelming.
Rebecca (as she was eventually named by her father) is a joy and a blessing just like any other child is to their parents. I'm so glad we've managed to survive this first year but I don't know what the future holds. I'd rather not know to be honest and just go with life's flow.
Hopefully we will eventually get our holiday in the sun. Disneyland Florida would be nice or a visit to Italy to enjoy some sun and culture.
Maybe the medical staff might just not interfere and allow us to live in peace.
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