Remembering Baby Gulp

It's a weird feeling today. I've got a whole day (the first in months) to spend with my family because the elections are over. I'm really looking forward to it.

But, it's also in my mind that 8 years ago yesterday my heart broke. I found out that my first baby who was due on May 27th 2006, had died in utero i. e. the baby's heart had stopped beating.

He was born 8 years ago tomorrow - May 25th, which is also my step-dads birthday and my Oma's birthday.

I cried every day and every night. I sobbed in church. I stayed in the house mainly because when I left the house people would ask when the baby is due. It was a horrible time. I scribbled in my journal furiously to try and download some of the emotions of anger, pain, grief, loss and finally acceptance.

I still miss my little son, like nothing else and I still feel his loss. But, I have been amazingly blessed by my church family, friends and Almighty God. He blessed me with more children. Two more heavenly babies but then my gorgeous, beautiful, funny Lara Anjali came into the world in 2008. She is such a joy to my world. I count my blessings and thank God for her often.

Before she came I used to sing a worship song called Forever Faithful written by Lara Martin which says, "Some things in life that happen, I'll never understand but I have this assurance, my life is in your hands, so I will praise you in every season of life. I choose to praise..." and I just kept on praising and honouring Almighty God.

I now get to sing that very same song with my little Lara and the feeling is intense. I praised God right through the pain and loss and have been immeasurably blessed.

She knows that she is God's gift to me and that she made us happy when she was born.

I thought life was complete with her but then in 2011, the incredibly comical, sensitive, kind and cute, Sophie Grace was born.

Then in 2013 we were blessed with Rebecca Abigail Jesse who came with a couple of extra challenges but nothing we can't handle.

I should focus on those wonderful blessings and not on my loss but a mothers heart always has room for all her children and Joshua James has never left my heart.