25th May 2016

Hmmm, so tomorrow is a difficult day.

I have so many blessings in my life and so much to be thankful for but tomorrow will be the 10th birthday of my little son Joshua James.

Sadly, he was stillborn, so 10 years ago I never got to hear him cry. I was able to cuddle him but never got to feel his tiny fingers curl around my finger.

I was able to bathe him but never got to see him wriggle and squirm or chuckle.

It amazes me that 10 years have gone by and I survived. My husband James has survived and together we have overcome the grief that at first appeared to be overwhelming. We have been blessed with 3 gorgeous daughters but...

I often wonder about what 10 year old Joshua would be like.

I have wondered about what he would be like every day of every one of the last 10 years.

I have wondered what colour eyes he would have had and whether his hair would have stayed so dark that it was almost black.

I have wondered about the sound of his voice, about what kind of person he is or would have been.

It still hurts that I missed out on being his mother and I wish the situation was different but throughout the last 10 years I have been blessed by an Awesome God who works ALL things for the good of those who love Him.

Tomorrow is not just about Joshua though. Tomorrow is also my stepfather's birthday and my Oma's birthday.

And tomorrow is also the day I have to go to a funeral of a friend and colleague and say goodbye to her.

I'd so much rather not go. I hate funerals and I hate death but it is right that I get the chance to honour her by saying a last farewell. I can't believe she's gone. It's only a couple of weeks since I last saw her as we celebrated the election results together.

My one regret is that she really wanted to go and have a Knickerbocker glory ice cream and I never went to have one with her.

As I say my goodbyes tomorrow I will be focussing on Lynne but Joshua will remain in my heart, tomorrow and always.